You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
