i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
