she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
