got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
