I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
