Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
