i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
