every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
