Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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