just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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