Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
