I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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