her vagina looked like bernie madoff
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I love you. Go after that dick
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
