why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
