she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
