just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
