Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
