Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
