Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
