I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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