so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
