We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
