If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
