please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
