he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
