He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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