Please, let me fuck your mom
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
