i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
