Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
