Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
