So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
