Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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