I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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