He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
