Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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