so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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