i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
