There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
