just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
