Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
