My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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