I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
