Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
