mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
