He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
