Plan B is the new Plan A
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I need moral support for this bender
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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