just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Randomize
