I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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