There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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