His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
