i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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